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Incomplete Love Story

Incomplete Love Story


like an unfinished dream, an incomplete story
a letter half written, a forgotten melody;
certain things are better incomplete
like our...

Friday, December 29, 2017

Bring me back to life...

I am pushed in a place,
Where only darkness surrounds me,
My eyes have gotten used to it now,
For I haven't seen light in ages...

My heart utters a silent cry every night,
While you are unaware of the happenings,
It only prays to the universe,
That someday it brings you back here...

Lying like a lifeless soul,
I push myself everyday,
To believe again and to get up again,
But every night I fall into the same void...

The void, which I never created,
Yet I am pushed here,
Where no one can hear my cries,
No one can see my pain...

It heals me when you are here,
The magical touch you have,
The power that you hold,
To bring me back to life...

My voice echoes through this place,
Crying for help but no one hears,
I go back to sleep again,
In a hope to see the shinning sun...

But whenever I open my eyes,
The sun isn't there,
There is only darkness around,
And yes, I am scared...

One can stand by someone's side,
One can guide them through the maze,
But one cannot hold the steering of their life,
Yet it didn't take a moment for you to say, "move on"...

I wish I was a machine,
Who had an on and off switch,
But the human body is a curse,
Coz I don't know how not to love you...

I am broken and bruised,
Pain bleeding through my heart,
Don't know how long will I survive,
The wrath of this life...

Sometimes people don't realize your worth,
When you are around them,
But it hits them, only when you are gone,
Why is it so? I keep asking...

Don't let me stay here for too long,
That you cannot find me in this darkness,
Remember to check on me once,
That you don't get to see my corpse

And if you find my corpse someday,
Then hold me once tightly in your arms,
And kiss me on my cold skin,
Maybe your touch will bring me back to life...

I am waiting here,
Where you have asked me to,
In a hope that someday I hear your voice,
Echoing through this void,
In a hope that you extend your hand,
To bring me back to life...


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

In a hope to see you soon...

There is a constant pain deep within, my chest is always burning and not even a second goes by without your thoughts. The wait is taxing and few hours feel like eternity, as if the day is never going to end. I don't feel like getting up in the morning from bed, and for a long time I am lying on bed staring at the ceiling, lost in your thoughts.

My heart always ask me, do you feel the same pain deep within which I am feeling? Do you miss me every moment of your day? Do you feel as if someone has took away a part of your soul too? Do you also feel that you are stuck in an infinity loop? My day start with your thoughts and end to your thoughts, this was the case even before. The only difference now is, I don't know whether you will come back in my life or not.

Earlier, the feelings were positive but now I am drowning every day gradually in the ocean of madness and fear. The fear of losing you or have I lost you already? And every moment, I am praying to the universe to bring you back in my life.

It is impossible not to think about you, impossible not to text you or call you. Though I am trying my best to control my emotions but every day I fail miserably. Do you find yourself in the same situation too?

Now, I can relate to every intense movie I have seen and every book I have read about separation and love and heartbreaks. I can feel the pain, which the protagonist felt when the love of his/her life went away or the dilemma and fear of losing the love of your life enveloped them into its clutches. I can feel every emotions scribbled by the writer and no matter how hard I try to hold on, tears always make their way from my eyes.

I don't want to feel this pain ever and I am sticking to the promise on my end, hoping and praying that even you realize the vacuum in your life, which has been created due to my absence and soon you come to find me; I will be waiting at the same doorstep with open arms to welcome you back and continue the journey further with same aspirations but new hope and newly found energy.

My mind often ask and try to analyse the reason behind our situation, and it always has a same reply - you fall to get up. We can never get done with each other, life tried to break us several times and every time we challenged life by bouncing back. It is true the intensity of the situation kept on increasing with every new challenge but I still believe in our bond and I know that we are better than this and beyond anyone's explanation.

I refuse to give up on us and I choose to believe in our love. We may be lost but not disillusioned to leave each other hand. Everything that happened was naturally scripted by the universe, neither of us tried to develop our own script and we believed in the universe to do what was necessary. Still whatever has happened, it is the outcome of what the universe had planned for us, maybe to see whether we stick by each other side or we give up on each other. Maybe to see whether we leave each other and we believe in each other to make it work.

Any day when you are feeling vulnerable, remember that this is only a temporary phase and soon it will get over. Soon we will find each other amid the storm and again we will sail together. The ship may have wrecked and both of us are in maybe two different directions trying to swim our way to the island. But soon we will meet at that island and then nothing can stop us from being with each other, we will be better than before and stronger than ever. I am waiting, in a hope to see you again...


Saturday, December 16, 2017

Memoir of a pierced heart...

I am in too much of pain, but my heart never forgets to miss you and my mind never forgets to replay all the moments that we spent together in the theater at the back of my head. When I try to close my eyes at night to get some sleep, which I have been struggling to get from many days now, the same theater plays all the reasons why we drifted apart.

I don't remember how the food tastes, it's been a while since I had a proper meal. I have lost my appetite and not that I didn't try to eat, I tried a lot to gulp something down my throat but it got stuck and I puked my lungs out every time I tried to fill my stomach with something.

I don't remember the last time when I smiled, when I had a hearty laugh; and if I recollect my memory it was with you the last time I ate or slept properly or smiled. Whenever you are around, it calms me down; you calm down the demon within me and I am at my most peaceful moment in life. And this is something which I never get around anyone and this is what haunts me. Life without you is like a nightmare, which never seems to get over.

Why life is so unfair? Why life always put us in a situation from where nothing seems right and everything seems blurry?

Why there are certain events in life which we can never fight even if we wish to? Why we have to wait for life to decide what I want? Every morning when I wake up, my hand automatically reaches out for my phone and while I am about to type you a message, it reminds me that you have gone far from me. Every time something I see, I want to tell you like how I used to but I cannot. While I pray each day that life brings you back in my life, I don't actually know what will happen? And when that thought arrives in my mind, I am absolutely clueless but in immense pain.

I listen to every song that we dedicated to each other and somehow try to find solace in the rhythm but the same song pierces my heart, when it makes me realise the void which has been created due to your absence. A part of me has turned into vacuum, where I don't feel anything but there is only pain.

Sometimes I feel like inflicting pain upon me, hoping that the pain which resides inside will come out but everytime I think about doing it, it reminds me of the promise I made to you. Why I am still holding on to every promise that I made to you? Why your voice still echoes in my ear? Why I can still feel your touch all over my skin? Why this heart cannot stop beating for you and why it feels as if my heart will stop beating at all if you are gone for too long?

There are only questions that resides within my mind, which I keep trying to answer somehow giving myself solace by reasoning the situation which has put me in a place, where there is only darkness and this time I don't have you to show me the light. The tunnel seems endless and so does the pain.

There are days, when I am so angry that I want to throw you out of my life and when I take a step towards it; I realise that how it will be without you and I realise that I am too much in love with you to get done with you. I can never get done with you, even if someday you are done with me. The anger is so much that I am turning into something different and while people around me are clueless, every night and every morning I am raging a battle within myself and every afternoon and every evening I fail miserably in the battle.

There is only one wish, which comes out from my heart these days that the way life took you away from me, it brings you back to me soon and with that wish and hope, I am sailing through this rough sea; which never wants to calm down because only you can calm it down.


Tuesday, November 21, 2017

You fall, So You Can Get Up...

"Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up"

- Alfred Pennyworth: Batman Begins

This dialogue have touched many hearts globally and while watching the Batman trilogy every soul would wonder, what would have happened to Batman if Alfred never stood by his side. Bruce Wayne, who became Batman was as lost as any other soul after what all he suffered while growing up. But Alfred, who was technically a care taker of his family always stood by his master's side and showing him the light, when he fell into the darkness. 

We all have Alfred in our life, it is up to us when we start realizing the fact when someone is genuinely trying to bring us out of the darkness we have locked ourselves into. 

There are things in your life, which sits on your head and you find it difficult to get away with those thoughts. And these are those things, which matters most in your life. But when you know it is beyond your control and you are just a mute spectator to the plays of fate, sometimes it gets on your nerves. 

And what you do next is for the best - to simply try and ignore as long as you can. But everyone in this world has a breaking point, when you are nearing yours; you don't know whether suppressing your emotions is the viable option or letting yourself to spill the poison, which might change the dynamics of your existing world.

This world is nothing but a set of permutation and combination with infinite possibilities and alternate realities. The choices we make defines the equation and the things that we do are the variables with time being the constant. And as they say, time heals everything.

But it will only heal, if you are willing to put that effort to leave things that disturb you behind. Only when you are willing to make choices, which define you as who you actually are and what you actually want. If you are in doubt, then you need to figure it out for yourself or you need to talk to people in whom you have confided every little secrets of your life.

Lying or hiding doesn't help, it may push the problem a little further; it might delay the storm but it will hit you someday and when it does, maybe you will lose the person in whom you used to find solace. Because when you share everything with someone and suddenly you have to lie on their faces to hide something you don't wish them to know about, they will find it difficult to trust you.

And it is totally up to you whether you want to keep lying or tell them the truth, which you always had. It is totally up to you whether you want to win them back or kick them out of your life. And if you want to win them back, it is going to take some efforts on your behalf also but it is worth the effort. Because once you lie, you have to hide it with hundred different lies. It may seem as a viable option at first but then on the long run, it suffocates you.

People who genuinely love you are always going to love you no matter where you land up yourself and in those times you will actually know who are those you want to keep in your life, when you get a hit and fall down. People, who wants you to bounce back will always lend their hand and extend their support but again it is up to you whether you want to hold their hand or you have started liking the fall. Don't push those you genuinely care for you and who are willing to share your burden only to ensure you are doing fine.

There are certain things, which will attract you and make you do things you would have never done in the first place. But you have been affected so much by the charm that you don't think clearly and when you realize, maybe it is a little late. But it is never too late in life. You can change the dynamics of your life, whenever you want to and whenever you wish to. Those charms seems pleasurable in the beginning but they will only give you immense pain and regret on the long run.

We humans, what we are? Nothing but a ball of energy who can communicate and express their desires and emotions. But all this only till the time we are alive. Once dead, your body is nothing but a bowl of ash. Till the time you have in this world, try to make choices which makes you happy without any regrets. Even if a small moment of regret if you have for something you have done, it means it is not meant for you and it's time when you change it and change it for good.

This doesn't mean you will never commit any mistake or you will never fall off the line. You certainly will commit mistakes and you can't do anything about it. But what you can do is, you can realize the fact that you did a mistake and you can rectify it before it burns down your world in to a bowl of ash.

No mistake in this world define anyone, we all do mistakes. When this world is an output of imperfect explosion, which formed the universe, how on any galaxy anyone can expect, humans of all the creations, not to commit any mistakes. 

But you get up, when you fall. That's why fate put you in that place to see how you react and what choices you make and whatever it is that you choose, it defines the cycle of your life until you fall again and again you have to make a choice. That is what life is about from my understanding, it keeps giving you a second chance to amend what went wrong and to bring back what you lost. It is only about making choices at the end of the day.  


Saturday, November 18, 2017

Memoirs of a loving heart...

"You remember how they show it in movies and narrate in novels, the feeling of being wished for; the feeling of belonging and the feeling of love. It feels exactly the same way with you.
The late night conversation, which never seemed to end. The calls, for which we used to wait the entire day. The morning, which always started with your thoughts and night that always ended with your voice echoing in the back of my head.

I always said that I never felt the way I feel it with you, every ounce of my soul reciprocates the love you have for me. You were never hesistate of showing your scars to me, I was never afraid to tell you about my fears. We both have been haunted with the memories of our past and dementers of the present but holding on to each other has always given us the strength to fight the unknown. After all, not all battles are fought alone and not all battles are won alone.

Life is complicated, yes, if it is easy; it is not life. We always have to fall to find ourselves back, to rediscover the person we are and to rediscover our lost ambitions. Else we will never be able to find our true self, if we don't fall.

But there are also instances when people fall and they fall so hard that they don't wish to get up and they end up spending their entire life in regret.  

We commit mistakes, so we can learn from them. We come across certain things we wish to have but we know it is not worth the effort, and so there are times when we have to make a choice - a choice to define the life we want., a choice which may be harsh but it only gets better with time.

Not even a single day has passed since I know you, when I don't think about you. Your thoughts reside within my soul and whenever I close my eyes, I find you. I promised you when you asked me, what will I do when you get lost? And I stick to my promise that whenever you will fall, you will find my hand to help you to get up; whenever you feel you are lost, I will be waiting by your side to figure out the way ahead.

Because I love you and I know that my life without your presence is too boring to live for. But I will never wish to chain you with me, if ever you felt that you have to choose between me and your happiness, always choose your happiness. Because I don't want you to lead a life, full of regrets. Even if I am not a part of it, I will be at peace knowing that I didn't become the reason behind your tears.

There have been times, when we were struck by lightning. And yes, it scared the crap out of me. Not only the fear of losing you but the fear of you getting lost. You always took the blame, you always told me that you fear of becoming someone you are not and like always even today I say that I will always refuse to believe that.

Because there was a time, when I was lost. When I walked through the same path you are on. And people turned their back on me, pointing out that I have too many sins on my soul to be a part of their world. And I walked that path alone, I learned that there was a lot more to me than only what I was judged for. And no matter what happens, no matter how big the mistake you commit; I will always have your back. And I know you will do the same for me.

Whatever happened, it had to happen maybe to understand our value in each other's life. Maybe it was a test of time to see what we do, when we get struck by lightning. It happened maybe to understand to what extreme we were willing to go for each other's happiness. And yes, I know that we stood strong against it and I know that it will take some time for both of us to move past this but through that journey which lies ahead, I am not going to leave your hand.  

I will hold you and wrap you in my arms, when the nightmares don't let you sleep. I will listen to everything you have to say and I want you to talk about everything that you feel, everything that you think about and everything you want to say but you hesitate thinking it might pinch me. For me, nothing else matters more than your happiness and that's what love is all about. It is not about conquering or winning or losing, it is only about keeping the other person happy and caring for their happiness.

Whatever junction we have crossed, it was a part of our destiny. For I have travelled to time to the future, where I have seen the future you and the not-bald future me. And I remember clearly what your future you had to say to me, that find me when you get lost. Maybe it was only a dream, maybe a mixture of my subconscious thoughts but even if it was nothing more than a dream, I will certainly would like to make it a reality someday.

Don't carry a burden with you for whatever we have gone through. Leave that where it came from and if you are not able to then let me share it with you and carry it till the time it needs to be carried so that one day it is not a weight on your heart. Don't think that I am going to look at you with blaming or judgmental eyes. My eyes only have love and immense care for you.

I know there are times when I get annoyed with you or get angry at you but the moment I see you, my anger diffuses and my heart skips a beat. The moment when your lips curve and brighten my life, I will do anything to keep that smile on your beautiful face. The moment your eyes are filled with tear, my palm is going to be resting down your face to capture the drop of tear and you will find your world in my arms.

In a week, our relationship will turn a year old and I wish that it keeps getting old as you always say, sharab jitni purani, nasha utna acha hota haini; with this I rest my fingers. To coming times, to moments we have spent, to storms we have faced, to storms that are awaiting, let us celebrate the togetherness with just two words TM, which not only completes your name but adds my first name in the puzzle and when we swap these two alphabets, it gives out the initials of our pet name. I know such a bad sense of humor I have. I love you."


Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The Reminiscence...

The taste of her soul still lingers in my mouth, when I wake up in the morning, I can still feel the touch of her hand moving through my body; the strand of her hair falling on my arm as she come closer to take me in her arms and clutch me tightly, I can feel her heart beating against me.
She was sleeping right beside me, it felt like a dream. I couldn’t sleep. I kept looking at her while she was lost in her dreams. The strand of her hair kept coming over her face, even in her dreams she kept adjusting her hair, a smile flashed over my face as I moved the strand of hair from her face and kissed on her forehead. Her lips twitched. I kept my arm over her and closed my eyes. I didn’t sleep though, I was only feeling the pulse of her body, blood rushing through her veins, her heavy breathing and I was lost in the fragrance of her body.
When she woke up, slowly opening her eyes, she asked me, “You didn’t sleep.” I came closer to her and took her in my arms. “Why?” she demanded an answer.
“Because I couldn’t take my eyes off you,” I whispered in her ears and continued, “You were not feeling well last night, I wanted to be sure you are sleeping properly.”
“Are you crazy?” she squeaked, her eyes turned big as her nose shrunk and she made a face. My heart skipped a beat. I came closer to her and planted a gentle kiss on her cheek.
“Come here, sleep now,” she said and took me in her arms. I closed my eyes and felt her fingers moving through my hair. It felt like someone singing me a lullaby. I have never felt so peaceful in my life, it felt as if in one touch it took away the entire burden from my shoulder. And I don’t know when I fell asleep. I was dreaming and I was sleeping peacefully.
When I opened my eyes, she was looking at me. “What are you looking at?” I asked her in a low tone.
“Nothing,” she said and kissed my lips. It was 5 in the morning, she held me in her arms and kept kissing me. I could feel the warmth of her body, her breast pressed against my chest, her hand moving through my back and her lips gently touching my skin.
When I look into her eyes, I see my reflection. I can see the love and care she holds for me in the ocean of her eyes and I feel secured when she takes me in her arms. I feel pampered, when her lips touches my skin and I feel rejuvenated when she whispers into my ears. I fall in love with her every moment of my life, not a single moment pass by without her thoughts.
She is not my obsession but she is the perfect song for my love. She is not my addiction. She is the perfect companion, who was created to someday bump into me and turn my world into the most beautiful place I have ever known. And whenever I would say this to her, she will always flutter her eyelids and make a face.
“You are mad,” she would say and blush.
Yes, I am maybe mad for her, but in all my senses. She would often say that maybe the spark won’t be alive after we spend few more years together and that love will become a habit and then things won’t be as it is now. She says so because the world shows her so. Because of what she has seen around her, from what she has experienced and there is no doubt that it is that way out there in the world. 
People want a normal life and to attain normality in their life they often forget the value of people who are there through thick and thin.
But when I think about this, I cannot imagine our world like that. I don’t want normal, I want madness. Who cares about being normal, when you can be crazy together and enjoy each other company?
Yes, after a few years you will get habituated to be with the person but if you choose to be with that person and you still want to wake up by her side and feel the same rush that you are feeling now then how can the spark will ever go away.
I don’t know what a perfect relationship is because there is no such thing called perfect in this universe. This universe was created out of abnormality, how can you expect your life to attain normality. All I know is when I ask myself, if you are not present in my life, it will become normal. It will never be as mad as it is now. And normal is being dead for me.
The obstacles will hit every now and then, the storm will keep coming but it will pass away making way for the beautiful morning and pleasant night. Maybe relationships fail because when people get hit by the storm, they prefer to find an easy way out and do not believe in surviving the storm.
But you and me, both of us have reached here because we have survived the storms. Had we chosen an easy way out, we would have never met in the first place. We would be sailing in different direction oblivious of our presence. But the fact that we always believed in waiting for the storm to subside and then prefer going out for a walk is the reason, we bumped into each other in the most dramatic yet beautiful way.
What makes you special is that I know even if we had a fight today, we are willing to keep our egos aside and come to a common ground and respect each other perception. We may not agree with each other all the time, and it should not be that way.
People stop communicating because they stop listening and respecting each other’s view. They start feeling suffocated because there is dominance of one person and the other is only trying to make a point only to be left ignored. This results in either of them walking out or staying together but in broken pieces of the puzzle which they never want to put it in the right way. And years later, while they try to show the world they are the happy couple the world wishes to see, they cry beneath the blanket of their own insecurities.
The frustration is way too much to handle and they start finding ways to distract themselves from the on-going situation only to find solace somewhere else. They don’t know that all it takes is a proper communication between the two and reaching a common ground without being dominant or brushing their egos onto one another.
 It is not easy to walk through the entire journey of your life without falling, but what is important is that when you fall, you should muster up the courage to get up again rather than staying on ground forever until you are buried till your bones turn into dust.
What surprises me is that we have only one life and we are willing to compromise with our happiness and wait to die. Instead we can only live together in harmony and peace and celebrate each other and celebrate together.
We don’t even have slightest of clue what is in store for us in the very next moment yet we prefer to pretend that life is never going to be different and it remains so because we are not making enough effort to make a difference.
Try a different way today, and you will see the difference tomorrow. It may take time to turn things around but it will happen someday. Hope is the best thing in this world to hold on, to hope that things will change is the perfect motivation to initiate anything and once you believe and believe in others, it turns into a chain reaction.  
Why not try today? Wake up in the morning and cook breakfast for your partner while she helps you to do the dishes. Why burden one person with all the work when it can be shared? 
Why stop making efforts to make her feel special? Either it should never have been there in the first place or if you initiated to make her feel special then continue doing so. 
And all I know is I have this life and I have you and no matter what happens, I am not giving up on us ever even during the darkest of times and I am never going to stop make you feel special, the way you are and the way you will be, my love will only grow stronger. 
Yes, we will commit mistakes. I may give you a difficult time ahead but I promise you that I will be equally hurt when you will be hurt. And I will be jumping with happiness and will feel all sorts of emotions along with you because my soul is connected with yours.


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

To small steps towards the unknown...

I have not been posting regularly from quite some time, I don't even know if that is even a matter of concern for anyone. I would have thought this way had it been any other day and ending up doing everything except writing.

But today, when my blog page views hit a lakh views, I couldn't help but wonder maybe it is too small a blog but it has been read a lakh times and it shows that irrespective of whether anyone reads it or not, I should continue posting on my blog.

Honestly, I don't have anything much these days to write. Constantly, I am stuck between balancing my work and the writing part and most of the time the former wins while the latter has to wait for its moment.

So today I thought I would just share a story. A story about how I got into this writing thing and how this blog started. I do not have any other fancy idea either way.

I never thought the day I started that I would write again on this blog but it has been seven years and I am still here. Explains why this means something to me.

I never thought the day I penned down my thoughts for the first time that I would someday make it my profession.

Life holds surprises for us and each one of us has their own set of surprises meant to keep you hydrated for the rest of the journey.

It was in the summer of 2009, when I was back to Patna, my hometown from Hyderabad after spending two wonderful yet disappointing year of my life, trying to train myself to reach where everyone else were randomly running.

I had failed to clear any of the engineering entrance exams, which was my key to the next door. I was actually sad despite knowing that is not what I had in my mind.
And I decided to stay back and prepare one more year so that I get through those exams while the world kept moving at its own pace.

That day I felt I am standing among the crowd, waiting for something to which even I was oblivious. But the feeling of just waiting while the world moved didn't go well down my throat.

And that was the time when for the first time, I penned down my thoughts in a diary. It was about what I was going through and yet I knew I couldn't tell a soul because I didn't know how to explain such thing to anyone. I was not confident about my own decision.

Although I started my blog in 2009, I was not regular till first half of 2013. In these years, hardly I have posted anything regularly. As per my estimation, I wrote maximum 10-12 posts in these years.

And I came back to my blog again in 2013, when I was unable to get through my placement drive. In all these years, my feeling to move into writing had grown stronger than how it was back in 2009.

I was sure about my own decision and I knew this was my last chance. Every day I used to share what I was feeling, writing aimlessly for people I don't even know but with a belief that it will somehow strike a chord. And it did. And we are in 2017, with over hundreds of posts and a lakh views and counting, I think I have achieved something. A little but something precious. Something that I can keep with myself for the rest of my life. And that's why I am pouring this out today to make it a memory.

That one day when I look back I know how it felt to achieve a small goal yet feel so happy about it.

Ups and downs are a part of life. We all have our own share of struggle which only we will have to deal with it, irrespective of the time in life, it will keep hitting us. The question is whether you want to enter the battlefield and fight your battle or you want to stand down and do what everyone else is doing. Whether you want to see the reality or you are happy in your own simulation programme.

From engineering to journalism and soon to be a published author, I guess I have faced my own battles and more are yet to come. I will try to keep fighting the battle I have chosen and one day let out a huge sigh of relief.

Till then I will keep meeting you people through this way or another. Stay in touch and thank you for being so patient.


One Lakh Views 😄

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The clock that went forward...

I am standing at a station, but I am not in India. There are people around me, some of them waiting for their train, some waiting for someone but what I am doing here, I ask myself. I am standing behind a pillar, I peek through the side of the pillar and what I see leaves me surprised for a few moments.

I see myself, sitting on a bench with her. I am wearing a black color overcoat and I look a bit older than I am right now. I blink twice. “It can’t be,” I say to myself. She is sitting by my side, she is wearing a white color jacket over her black color top and black trousers. She is wearing a necklace, it has a golden snitch attached to it. It is a Harry Potter themed necklace.

“Am I in the future?” I ask myself and look around. “But how far into the future?” I ask myself again. 

“Can these people see me?” I hide myself behind the pillar. I am trying to overhear the conversation both of us are having. But I am at a distance and I am not able to hear anything due to the murmur of crowd.

I walk a few steps closer to where both of us are sitting and I hide myself behind the next pillar. Now I can hear us.

“So have you finally decided how the entrance is going to look like?” she asks me (the future me)

“Yes, see I have these designs. We can go ahead with the Hogwarts theme or you want any house specific themed entrance?” he asks her

“Slytherin,” she says and jumps out of joy. There is a glint in her eyes. I make a face.

“Okay… let us go with Hogwarts theme but where we get married one side should be Slytherin and other side should be Gryffindor themed,” she says and waits for my answer.

“Yes… I like that,” I declare.

My heart is thumping my chest from inside. “Are we planning our wedding?” I say to myself in excitement. Yes, we always had wished to have a harry potter themed wedding and I am here to witness the discussion between us. “Wow!” I exclaim.

“People should be given a wand, when we complete the rituals; they should lift the wand at once in air,” she says.

“And the food should be named after spells, drinks should be named after potions and,” he says as she intervenes

“But what about desserts?” she asks me

“Ummm… I have no clue about the desserts,” he says

“How about we name the desserts after death eaters?” she says and start laughing.
Her hair has grown just above her waist. She looks mesmerising. I have a strong urge to hug both of them tightly but I don’t know what this is all about, so I calm myself down.

“What about invitation cards?” he asks her

“Ummm… how about a letter from Hogwarts themed?” she says and I think she saw me. I hide myself behind the pillar and wait for some time. My heartbeat is racing like a Ferrari. “Can anyone see me?” I ask myself again and look at the crowd, who seems to be oblivious about my presence. I peek through the pillar again.

“It should be like the letter from Hogwarts with a few more things combined in one. And and and listen na,” she says excitedly as he is checking his phone.

 “Haan tell na… I am sorry. No phones,” he says and keeps his phone in his pocket.

“The entrance of the venue where we get married should also have Platform 9 ¾ written with big bold letters. Wow, I can’t believe we are actually doing this and doing it exactly how we had thought,” she said and held his hand. He holds her cheek and plant a kiss gently on her cheeks.

“And Always….” He says

“Yes… Always should be written too. I am getting too excited. Wow!” she says and jumps out of joy. We may look older but we are still the same. The craziness is still there like it was before. “Few things cannot be changed,” I exclaim.

“I need to go to the loo. Be right back,” she says and excuses herself.
I have a strong urge to go and talk to future me. I don’t wish to know about the future though but I still wish to talk to him. I continue to stare at myself from the future. “I have not gone bald yet,” I say to myself and smile at him.

“You bastard, I never thought looking at you from a distance would be so great especially when you are with her,” I say in my mind and I feel a sudden pat on my shoulder. Oh my god! It is her. The future her.

“Hello,” she says and her face glows

I am taken aback. “You can see me,” I say to her

“Yes, idiot! I can see you,” she says and makes a face.

“Can he?” I ask her pointing towards his direction

“If he spots you them maybe yes. But let him be, lets walk this way,” she says and waits for me to follow her. I start walking with her to the other side.

“You didn’t change your hairstyle? And I didn’t go bald? You wanted your hairs to be permanently straight,” I say and look at the ground.

“Oh yes. I didn’t and you don’t go bald at least not yet,” she says and smiles at me. “From which year you are coming from?” she asks me

“2017,” I say and continue, “Which year is this?”

“2027 November,” she smiles.

“Wow! Did I just jump 10 years into the future?” I say out loudly.

“I guess yes,” she says

“So we made it till here. Wow,” I said

“You had any doubt?” she said and her nose flared

“Hahaha… Not yet but you know how life throws tantrums at us,” I said and touched her nose.

“I know. So 2017 huh, which month?” she asked me

“July,” I replied

“Must be tough out there,” she said and we both burst into laughter.

“It is good,” I said with a big grin on my face

“Do I make it as a writer? We are living in which country? Are you a filmmaker? What we are doing? And how are we?” I start asking too many questions.

“Hold on... hold on… I am not going to tell you anything about the future. Remember, I can’t ruin the party for you guys. You have to figure that out by yourself. But I can tell you one thing that yes we are happy,” she said and looked back at the future me, who is waiting for her while reading a book. We stop walking.

“Listen, I know in the present time I am a mess right now. And you will have to be patient with me. I am telling you this because this means a lot to me and just be a little patient with me for some time. There will come a time when you will be completely lost soon, and then I will have to find you but before that you need to ensure that I am sane enough to go in your search. Because where you come from and what are we into, is kind of messed up. But it will be fine. I am not telling you anything more than this,” she said and her eyes turned moist.

“So can I talk to him?” I asked her

“No. Don’t talk to him please. You only say na it is okay not to know the future,” she said.

“By the way, you look beautiful,” I said

“Are you flirting with the older me Mister?” she said and hugged me tightly.

“I wish to see you soon. He is waiting for me, I should get back. Take care and see you,” she said and started walking towards the future me. She looked back and I waved back at her.

I stood there for some time. I saw them fighting like two crazy idiots in the middle of a station, making faces, punching each other, holding hands, pulling each other leg and their eyes. Their eyes had everything they had to say to each other.

I read the station name again. “I will meet you here. Ten years down the line, I will meet you again,” I say to myself and start walking back. 


Friday, July 7, 2017

Ek Hasi…

Tanushree Mukherjee

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Unn do bacchiyo ki hasi
Jo chiph gayi this unn nokjhoko ke peeche!
Ek gudiya badi suhaani has rahi thi unki masumiyat ke neeche!!

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Uss doodhwale ki mucho vari hasi!
Dabbe se dudh na girne ki raahat
Do anjaan hatho ki madad hi thi uski barkat!!

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Unn do nazuk hatheliyo ki hasi
Jo kanche khelne mein mahir hai
Dur khadi tajurbe ki hatheliya bhi aaj inke saamne phiki hai!!

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Uss gehre aasman ki hasi
Jo aaj keemti ho gayi
Yeh panchiya apne paro se usse abaad kar gayi!!

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Uss maasum pencil ki tasveero ki hasi
Jaha tedhe medhe lakeero ne ek kaahani sunaya ;
Dargah aur mandir ko ek jaisa banaya!!

Kya dekhe ho kahin?
Aisi jaani pehchani anjaan hasi
Jo sardi ki oos ki tarah
Bhigo jayein jism ke har ek pattiyo ko zara.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

The Seekers of Selfdom - Part VI

The next morning seemed beautiful for Tamina. She has been feeling low lately and often she felt like a hot iron rod was piercing through her heart. But after reading the letter that Marc had left for her, she had found a new source of energy. She slept holding the letter in her hand at night and when she woke up, she re-read the letter.

Tamina wanted to meet Queen Satyaki, her childhood idol. But she had no clue how she will be able to meet the queen.

“How I am supposed to meet the queen?” Tamina asked Chandrima.

“We don’t get to meet the queen. We are small people,” Chandrima replied.

“But I have to meet her. I have travelled here only to meet her,” Tamina said more to herself than to Chandrima.

“Every afternoon, there is a session with the people. You can join the crowd and hope for the best,” said Chandrima.

Tamina knew if she would only reveal her real identity then queen would never say no to her but revealing her identity means going back to her palace, which she never wanted. She decided to reach Queen’s palace and try before she heads further in search of Marc.

She took bath and changed her clothes, the one Chandrima gave her. She took her sword, covered her face and walked towards the palace. Memories of her past started circulating in her head. Why meeting Satyaki was important for her? It was the only question that kept popping into her head.

She had learnt to fight after she had faced certain things in her childhood. She knew no one will be able to protect her all the time at a very young age and that is when she decided to undergo a training.

No one except her mother knows that when she was 12 year old, she had killed a person, who tried to take advantage of her. That was the first time, she held a sword in her hand and pierced it through the chest of the man, who tried to force him upon her.

It was during summer, about 10 years ago when Tamina was playing in the garden of her palace one fine evening. A man named Vyas, who was a distant relative of Atanu had come to visit them.
Vyas joined Tamina in the garden and asked her to show him what she has learnt from her teachers. 

He asked her to dance while he sat in one corner far away from the eyes of anyone. While Tamina was engrossed in dancing, Vyas came closer to her and forced himself upon her. Tamina was really scared and she started screaming but Vyas held her mouth with his hand and took her behind the tree. He slapped her twice and threatened her if she ever opens her mouth, he will kill her parents and her.

Tamina was shivering with fear and all she remembers is how next moment, she pushed away Vyas and took out his sword and without giving it a thought she pierced it through his chest. Tamina stood there for a while watching Vyas die and she felt good.

She locked herself in her room for days, she wouldn’t come out. She was guilty of killing someone and that day was the day when she was not the innocent Tamina anymore. That one incident had changed her completely. That was the day when she decided to learn how to fight.

Months passed by but Tamina still used to spend most of her time in her room. Her mother tried asking her several times but she wouldn’t say a word and always stare blankly outside her window. 

However, one night when Tamina was asleep, her mother Molly came inside her room. She sat down beside her daughter and stroked her hair with her hand. A lone tear trickled down from her cheek, thinking what has gone wrong with her daughter.

Tamina was asleep but she had been having nightmares about that evening. And she woke up with a jerk screaming. Her mother was taken aback and she hugged her daughter.

“I am here my child. I am here,” Molly said and started rubbing Tamina’s back.

Tamina couldn’t hold on to her thoughts anymore and she broke down in front of her mother and she told her everything that happened that day. Molly was shattered. She didn’t know how to react to this and she felt guilty for letting her guards down and her daughter had to face such situation.

Since that day, Molly never stopped Tamina when she wanted to learn how to fight. Molly knew that the only way to douse the fire sometimes is to let the fire grow. She hoped that one day, Tamina will be able to douse the fire within her and she will be fine.

It was a week later, when Tamina was being supervised by the chief of her father’s army, who trained her, when she learnt about Satyaki. Her trainer told her a story about Satyaki and how she freed her kingdom form the clutches of other rulers by leading in the battle and that’s how the kingdom was named after her. Tamina was moved by the story and all she wished since that day was to meet Satyaki.

Tamina reached the palace, the guards stopped her. “You cannot go inside. Who are you?” said one guard.

“My name is Tanna and I am a traveller. I am here to meet the queen,” Tamina said.
The guards looked at her and started laughing. They started cracking jokes on her. “This is not your home that whenever you wish you can come. This is Queen’s palace and we cannot let anyone in without permission,” said the guard and continued, “Please leave.”

“I want to meet the queen. Convey my message to her, I will wait here,” she replied. Tamina was a princess and though she was not in her real attire, she carried the authoritative tone.

Guards felt insulted that how can a stranger talk in such tone with them. They started making fun of her even more and that was when Tamina lost her cool. She took out her sword and kept it around the throat of one of the guard and said, “If I want, I can slash your throat right here and no one will be able to do anything. Learn how to talk with people first.”

A crowd had gathered around her, she sobered down and took her sword down. Meanwhile, one of the minister Chitraksh had come out to see what the chaos was all about.

“What is going on here?” Chitraksh asked the guards.

 “My lord, this crazy girl wants to meet the Queen and when we told her to leave she took out her sword and threatened to kill us,” said the guard.

“He is lying,” Tamina said in a high tone.

“See, the way she is talking in front of you,” said the guard. Chitraksh asked the guards to be quiet and do their work. He walked towards Tamina and asked her, “Who are you?”

“I am a traveller. My name is Tanna and I want to meet the queen. I have waited ten years for this day and I have travelled a long way to come here. I mean no harm, I only want to seek her blessings. I learnt how to fight after I heard how she freed this kingdom from the clutches of other rulers and how this kingdom was named after her. Please take me to her,” she said.

Chitraksh looked into her eyes and he understood her desperation. “I will try but I cannot promise. You wait here,” he said and went inside the palace.

Tamina gave the guards a disgusted look and showed her swords to them. She smirked at the one who was constantly making her fun and signalled him to step back else she was going to swing her sword and slash his head.

While she was waiting, Tamina reflected on what just happened. She never thought she had so much of aggression suppressed deep within and she was surprised how it all came out. The way she behaved with the guards, she has never done that. “To survive, I must do everything in my capacity,” she said to herself.

Before Marc happened, Tamina was in love with Aksh. Aksh was a foreigner, who had come to visit their palace for some work two years ago. Tamina had no clue he was a mere puppet in hands of other rulers and he was here only to win Atanu’s confidence so he knows secret ways to the palace and other things that those rulers wanted to know.

He came across as a sober person, while people asked Tamina not to trust a foreigner but she did. She put her faith in him after she started spending time with him regularly. Back then, Tamina used to write regularly and every evening near the lakeside she would sit with Aksh and make him read what she wrote.

Aksh always treated her like a queen, and she was pleased that someone could pamper her so much. But she never understood the indications. Now whenever she thinks about those times, she knows what the intention behind his behaviour was but back then she was naïve and she was in love.

She believed that love holds a power that can change the world. She was so much in love with Aksh that she used to tell him a few secrets of her kingdom that Atanu never did. She never thought such situation will ever arise when Aksh will take advantage of her. She wanted to marry him and she allowed Aksh to touch her soul.

But three months later, Aksh had to leave for some work to distant land. He promised Tamina that he would come back for her and ask Atanu for her hand. Tamina was delighted and she agreed that she will wait for him. But Aksh never returned alone. What followed was a troop of army led by Aksh and his alliances to dethrone Atanu.

She remembers that night very clearly. She was sitting in her room, it was during the middle of night when she heard a commotion. She put on the armour and her sword and rushed downstairs to see what was happening. She was told that they have been attacked and a troop of army is marching towards their palace.

A voice brought her into reality. It was Chitraksh. “I have arranged a meeting with the queen and I don’t know why I am doing this but maybe meeting the queen is part of your dream and I don’t feel like disappointing our guests. Please come along,” he said and signalled her to walk after him.

The guards mouth was left wide open as Tamina shrugged her shoulders and smirked at them showing her sword to each one of them, she walked inside the palace.