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Incomplete Love Story

Incomplete Love Story

........

like an unfinished dream, an incomplete story
a letter half written, a forgotten melody;
certain things are better incomplete
like our...

Thursday, December 12, 2013

It’s Their Right, Don’t Take It Away!!!

To the entire world we are known as hypocrites. A country where they will talk about a lot of things, but when the time comes to take a stand over it, to exercise those things then we always tend to back out. And to avoid it, we will back it up by connecting the religious part of our culture and irrelevant logics. Four years ago when the Delhi High Court passed its judgment over the Gay Sex issue, by making it legal it certainly won people’s heart. But when yesterday the Supreme Court changed the whole dynamics in the court of law by decriminalization of Homosexuality, expected celebration turned into dejection. Under the Act of 377, it is now a punishable offence, if offended by a person of any age, religion; community will be proven guilty in the court of law and will be given life sentence as its punishment.

They quoted homosexuality as something which is inhuman and unnatural. Now just tell me one thing, who on earth are we to decide whether Homosexuality is an inhuman and unnatural act or not? And if they have their right to question the creation of God then where their conscience went when girls were being raped every now and then, in the most inhuman and unnatural way? Who gave then the rights to pass such kind of judgment that if any juvenile has been accused of rape charges then it is not a punishable offence in the court of law?

Homosexuality is not something which people chose after growing up; they are born in a particular way which defines them. And if we call India as a democratic country then in democracy no one has the right to question anyone with whom they want to be with and with whom they want to have sex. It is a black era for democracy (if at all that exist anymore). It’s an individual’s right according to the constitution of India, which allows us to live freely in whichever way we want and with whomsoever we want.



Having said that, four years ago when Gay Sex was made legal, it opened up the doors for medical science to explore a whole new level in their field, but after this judgment given by the Supreme Court, it has not only abolished the Human Rights but also it has closed the doors for the medical science to evolve beyond our imagination. This has taken us 200 years back again. And if that’s the case then tear apart the book of Kamasutra and demolish the temples of khujaraho which depicts the same sex love as well. Till when we will shy away from such issues which is life for over 7-8% of the country’s population. What is the harm in giving them their rights to love and marry? If your son is gay then why can’t you accept him in the way he is? After all he was born this way, what was his mistake if he is a gay? Why we want them to be ashamed of themselves? Why we want to make their life living hell? Why we want them to live their entire life in a closet? Why can’t we think in a more matured way? Who is Supreme Court to decide people’s personal choice???
If a person is gay, put them in jail. But the people who all are eating our nation, who all are corrupted can live freely. Obviously this has invoked a new revolution, to stand united and fight against the rights of our friends. Lifetime imprisonment for loving someone is not justified at any cost. 

And as Pope Francis has quoted, “if a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge him?” How can you make this issue as a crime?


And if we look at the history, evolution has been the major things happening around in our world, in nature. If that would not have happened then no human race would ever existed in this world because even we are evolved from Apes. Change is the law of nature, to balance the world we have to change us with time. And this is the time to appeal against the judgment of the Supreme Court, stand united for their rights and bring a change in our society which let everyone live in the way they want without any fear, harassment and violation of Human Rights. I hope to see, the new world again. I hope to see Supreme Court taking its judgment back. I hope to see when Homosexuality is not a crime anymore and it has been accepted by every one of us. . I hope to see people of my country waking up from their deepest of slumbers and act against what is going wrong. Because someday we have to accept that it’s not in our hand to hold someone’s life and respect the creation of nature.


Thursday, December 5, 2013

One day I will shine!

It’s been almost four months of struggle where I am trying hard to get placed in some good company. But every time something or the other goes wrong for me. In my case, I think it’s my marks. Every time in every interview everything goes pretty well until they come to a point, why you have such low grades? And then everything goes wrong from that point of time. Why people don’t understand one simple thing it’s not about the marks all the time, it’s about the potential that anyone has; it’s about what someone is capable of. But who cares, that’s how the hierarchical level of our society is, if your marks are good even though you don’t have knowledge or other quality which completes you as a person, even then you are on the top. But if you lack just one thing and that’s good marks in your academics then you are no one. I hope someday the mentality of people along with the system should change. I know so many people who do not have good grades but they are capable of doing such things which the university toppers can’t do it, but they are being ignored. I feel bad, I feel sorry, and I feel miserable.

But when I look back, to the stories of all those people who are now legends. Every one of them had something similar in them. They all were ignored by the people, by the society. But when they shined they changed the whole dynamics of every field they went into. And that’s when I feel good, I feel content and I feel optimistic. I have seen so many ups and downs in my life till now but every time something bad happens with me, I have to get up and fight. And I did, every time I did fight against all the odds and came out with flying colors. It’s something which has become a trait in my life that until my life is in dumps I never get up and change things for good. And again the situation is similar now. The situation is demanding me to get up and fight. And I am fighting. But somewhere down the line there is only one thing which is going wrong for me, is that I am being judged on the basis of my marks. I know that’s very usual but not every time it should happen. Because even elastics have a breaking point. You can’t stretch something to that extent and expect it will never break. Everything has a breaking point. But who understands that. No one seems to care what all I am going through. People commit mistakes and so I did. Does that change everything? Does it make things so worse?

I am tired of fighting again and again. I can’t get proper sleep; I don’t have a peace of mind. And I am angry all the time. I don’t with whom I am just angry all the time. Sometimes how I wished, why can’t I get things so easily? I have known so many people who got everything in their life without much of all the fighting and surviving. They are just too lucky. Why I can’t be lucky at least some time in my life?
But one day I will shine too. And when that happens, the world will have a new story to tell, a new personality to motivate and a new perspective to look at. Till then I know I have just one thing to do and that is fighting against the situation.


As they say, “When things starts going wrong for you, it will become worse. And wait until it becomes worse, because you will never shine as a diamond if things were easy for you.”


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Don’t think. Just do!

Yesterday I was browsing Facebook as usual when I came across a link, which had a ten minute talk given by Varun Agarwal (co-founder of Alma Mater and an Author). I plugged my headphones in and listened to what he had to say for the other ten minutes. And by the time his talk was over I could reflect on his words. He said when you think too much you end up analyzing the pros and cons of the specific situation and most of the times you don’t go for it. But when you don’t think about something and just jump into the pool of something you want to do, without giving it a thought what would be the consequences and where that may lead you to, in those cases you come out with flying colors. You conquer what you never thought you could.
Hold on for a minute and just rewind your tape of life. And analyze. Every time you ended up doing something without thinking, wasn’t it was worth it? And same for those things which you did after spending a lot of time thinking about it and also those things which you didn’t even try after thinking too much for it. Life is too short for those who wanna do something big. If you don’t have big plans for your life and you just want to live like how everyone else are living then this will never bother you actually. But if you are a man who has got some plan, then never ever give up.

More than 70% of the people in this world don’t really know what they wanna do with their life. You should be happy that you have realized the fact that you have a dream. That’s the first and most important step. Once you take the first step, you know what you really want in life. And then you just have to follow a path. It’s true the path will be full of obstacles, fate won’t be in your favor, everyone will try to knock you down but you have to keep on walking. Doesn’t matter whether the path is full of thorns or flames you just have to walk through it. Face whatever comes your way, taste the series of failures you will hit on to, tolerate the pain that will come your way in such a way that after a while you start loving that pain. And when you succeed in doing so, victory will be yours.

Because as they say, it’s not about how hard you are hit, it’s about how hard you get hit but you keep on walking. Life isn’t a bed of roses anyway, whether you start now, don’t give up on your dream or else do what everyone wants you to do so that later on in life when you will be at the door of your death you won’t die in peace because you will have that one regret in life that you couldn’t follow your dreams. You may end up making loads of money but internal happiness will never be there. Money is everything but inner peace is something which it can never buy. There are chances that you may end up losing many people from your life in the course of living your own dream but when that happens just think this way that in order to get something in life you always have to pay its price. It’s not about the courage to walk on that path; it’s about the will to sacrifice all those precious things from your life which use to hold a great meaning in your life. You will be always alone when you decide to follow your dreams and in that journey if someone is there for you then always remember they are the only ones who really want you to do something.

This world is made by us. You have to plant your own seed, nurture it well so that one day it will also give you the fruit for which you have been waiting for. People give up on their dream in most of the cases and they never knew that they were just one step behind their dream. If they could have just taken that one big step then they would have achieved what they always wanted. Most of the time, people start their journey in the search of their own dream and on their way they fall in love with someone. And they think they love that person so much that they can give up on their dream so that they can marry each other. I mean seriously? You will give up on something so easily. How you can forget those days when all you use to do was meticulously knit your dream. And after spending so much of time on something you give up on them and that too for someone who just came into your life. C’mon this is not how it should be like. People say love is not everyone’s cup of tea. True that. But let me tell you something. Nothing is bigger than following your own dream. You need guts you take that path where you know odds will be against you but you know you will face it. You need will power to sacrifice those things which everyone will be getting initially and you will be struggling with your life. You need to be strong, more of mentally because you may be ditched by many, you may be left alone, you may get isolated but you have to face it. That’s something which is way bigger than anything in this life. And if that person really loves you then he/she will never leave you. Instead they will wait for you, for that day when you will come back after conquering what you always wanted to conquer. And that day you will have both things in your life – Money as well as inner peace.


Have faith and Follow your dreams. Because that’s something which is yours.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Every time I come close...

  
Every time I come close
I am knocked down on the ground
My fate or my grade, maybe a reason
That’s one thing, I could never find out
They all say you are too good
But still I am hanging in the queue
Who knows where this life would lead me too
Coz I am too shattered now to face the truth

I am too frustrated to move ahead now
And they want me to smile and say wow!
Rejection after rejection has made me hollow
And they all say you gotta move on with no sorrow

Its getting hard for me to even smile
I am emotionally drained
Don’t know when I might cry
I smile to hide my pain
To avoid several questions and the shame
Who cares what I am going through
Coz its always what they want


Tell me one reason, where I went wrong
Maybe my reason, to write this song
I am longing to taste the flavor of success
Coz I am too bored now playing with my failures

Dark clouds are all over my head
No clue what I’m gonna do next
I don’t know when the shinning sun will shine
I don’t know when again things will be fine
It’s the phase of struggle
Which never ends

Suffering is making me weak
Every now and then it cant be me
It’s the phase of struggle
Which never ends...



Sunday, October 20, 2013

Like a flowing river…

Sometimes life surprises us when we don’t expect things to happen. And same was the case when I saw her on the beach. Out of the blue, she just appeared in front of my eyes. The waves kissing her feet, wind playing with her hair which was covering a part of her beautiful face was an exotic scene to watch. She seemed annoyed by the wind which every time played with the curl strand of her hair and made it come over her face. But she was enjoying playing with the waves. I was sitting at a distance and at that moment for me the people, the majestic sea, the wind, the blue sky, the cloud, the whole world ceased to exist. All I could see was a pretty face with mesmerizing pair of eyes in which I was completely lost now. In front of her rosy lips even the rose would itself feel shy. It was not like she was the only one beautiful girl on earth, but still there was something about her which was attracting me towards her, something which filled the space in my heart. With every blink of her eye my heart skipped a beat. I have never noticed anyone so carefully, so elegantly before and it was quite late when I realized that I was gazing at her like a stupid. She saw me gazing at her many times but I was in my own world of fantasy. Though I felt like an idiot there but when she passed a smile to me I was on cloud nine. I could see stars in broad daylight, violins playing in the background and music that the wave gave made a perfect evening for us. Her kohl lined eyes and the lively smile pumped my heart with feelings that I have never felt in past few years. She was like an angel who appeared out of nowhere and then everything ceased to exist. It was hard to describe her, someone who was so perfectly carved by its creator. It seemed as if she was the most loving creation of the creator. I tried not to gaze at her but I couldn’t resist.

And I was so lost in her that I didn’t even realize when she was standing right in front of my eyes. And when I realized that I tell you, I was really embarrassed.

“Why you have been staring at me?” she asked me

Her voice was sweeter than honey. My heart beat grew even faster now and I was at a loss of words.

“Hello!!!!” she said again

“Because I have never seen anyone like you before in my life.” I said

And she smiled. I knew one thing for a fact that she was on cloud nine already. But I was not trying to impress her. True it was that I never saw anyone so beautiful, so lively ever in my life. With every second passing by I was getting drowned in the ocean of her eyes. In the vicinity of her aura my heart skipped a beat every time she blinked.

“Who are you?” she asked me

“I am someone who has just fallen for you…” I said

And now she was blushing, her cheek was blood red. I don’t know how it was happening but such lines were coming out of my mouth on its own. I was not even nervous now.

She was like a flowing river, so elegant, so beautiful, and so lively that I wanted to keep her in my heart forever.

“Hiii, I am Angel.” She said


I opened my eyes and I saw a beautiful sunrise from the window of my room. I got up from my bed, “it was a dream” I reflected!


Thursday, October 10, 2013

I Too Had A Love Story...

“Why won’t you let me die?” she asked him

He stayed quiet. Never in his life had he thought about this day. Not even in his wildest of dreams had he thought that someday he will see her in this condition.

“I want to put an end to my sufferings. I can’t live like this anymore. Why don’t you say anything? I am tired of all this. The pain has worsened with time; you can’t keep me alive for long. Its time when you free me from all the pain, free my soul.” she said

“Do you remember the day I left you; I left a part of me that day with you. I tried forgetting you, tried hating you but I couldn’t. I thought that I had lost you forever. But after two years you again came in my life. However the situation has changed drastically now and I don’t want to leave this chance. I don’t want to live my life with guilt. I want to try, give it all I could, to save you. If I let you die today, I will have to let myself die here with you then. I am not doing this for you; I am doing this for my life.” he said

With that tears started trickling down her cheek. He wiped it with his hand and left her alone in the ICU.

“I have always loved you…” she shouted as he walked out of the room.

 He went downstairs, sat on a bench and he broke down. He couldn’t control his tears. He never thought that his one decision would take someone’s life. The whole flashback replayed in his mind, he felt a pat on his shoulder which brought him back into reality.

“I can’t let her die. I have to save her at any cost.” He said more to himself than to the doctor.

“You have done a lot for her; she has no complaints from you. But her condition is very critical and you have to understand that. We all are doing all what we can do to save her life. But if she is not willing to fight then I am afraid we won’t be able to help that much.” Doctor said

“Please save her, I lost her already two years before. I don’t want to lose her again.” He said

The doctor held his hand and said, “We are trying hard. But the excessive dosage of drugs has made her body weak. She doesn’t have the immunity in her body to fight. It has damaged many parts of her body. And her addiction has reached that level that after every now and then we have to keep her on sedatives. I want to know what happened to her.”

“I know her from past 5 years, we were in relationship. I broke up with her two years before, the reason being a misunderstanding. One of my friend, Anamika, she was very much obsessed about me. I liked her as a friend but she expected love. When I proposed Ananya, she was very jealous of her since that day. And later on she created a situation where Ananya was proved disloyal towards me. However that was all a part of the plan which was knitted meticulously by Anamika, Ananya was not aware of anything neither was I. Unaware of the plan I was made to meet Ananya urgently and what I saw left me shaken. Ananya was totally unaware of what had just happened and immediately she tried to make me understand the simple fact that even she was a victim of the same plan which Anamika made to separate us. But I didn’t listen to what she had to say and I broke up with her. Ananya tried to bring me back in her life but that never happened. I left the city soon enough, and Ananya was left alone. She started smoking and boozing. Later on she started going out for rave parties and ended up becoming a drug addict. I got to know all this from a friend of mine, but it was too late then. When I came back to this city, one night I saw Ananya lying unconscious outside a small pub late at night and I brought her here. She loved me a lot, I should have trusted her. But I was stupid. I saw what Anamika made me to see and all hell broke loose.” He said

“Did she stay with her parents?” the doctor asked

“No. She stayed in a hostel. She was in my college; she came here to complete her graduation.” He said

“Do they know about her condition?” the doctor asked

“Yes, I have informed them. I told them that she has met an accident. They will reach here by tomorrow.” He said

“What happened in your past is not the justification of what is happening now. Ananya couldn’t bear the pressure of your break-up, but ending up as a drug addict is not justified. You must stop blaming yourself now. If you don’t forgive yourself now then you will end up spending a life full of guilt and regret. Few things are meant to be in such a way. No one has a say in front of the laws of nature. She knows that you blame yourself for her suffering. And that’s why she wants to put an end to her sufferings. If you don’t free yourself now, then she won’t be able to free her soul. You love her is a fact but the chances of saving her is almost negligible is also a fact. And life is based on facts. And now I shall leave you in peace but reflect on my words if you think it’s worth it.”


And with that the doctor left for his home as his shift got over. He got up from the bench after a while, went upstairs, and entered into her room to find her sleeping. He held her hand, kissed on her forehead and whispered into her ear, “You are gonna live, don’t worry.”


Saturday, October 5, 2013

The road ahead seems blurry…

In the journey of my life so far, never I got anything so easily. For everything I had to fight, after every little moment of success, I have faced endless nights of failure. Nothing came in my life so easily. Whenever things seemed to be easy, they always kept on changing quite dramatically. But I never gave up. I kept on walking the path of life, always played with the struggling phase in the hope that someday I would shine.



But now things seem to be different. The state of mind is very disruptive. The mind gets deviated; the chain of thoughts is often left incomplete. Often I feel weak, often my soul cries. “Why” is the only thing which circulates in my mind. They say, always keep a positive frame of mind and move ahead in life. But this part of my life is taking a toll on me. This part of my life is called, “the confused part.” Everything is blurry, nothing is clear. Every time my fate is trying to knock me down. I am tired of getting up every time now. The journey which I started long back in the quest of the shining sun seems to be going nowhere now. I am tired of the dark hours of night now. I don’t know when my life will see the face of a shining sun. Every now and then something pops up into my life and changes its dynamic. Why can’t I get things easily like many others? Why I have to fight for each and everything? They say, the more you face obstacles the better life you have in future. But the future seems blurry now. Life has always been unpredictable in my case but I need a break from all this now. I don’t know when that day will come, when I will be able to set my mind free, laugh aloud, live freely and dance on the tunes of life. I don’t know when the fate will switch its side in my favour again. I don’t know when my luck will become my lady love. I don’t know when my hard work will be finally paid off.




Everything seems new, everything seems uncertain, everyone seems strange and all I could see around is pain, regrets and sorrow. The pain of failure, the regret for not taking the advantage of the opportunity and sorrow for not having luck in my favour. People will say, start extracting positive things from this phase, it’s a learning experience for you and all you have to do is keep yourself pumped up and move ahead. It’s true we have to accept things and move along with life but I am tired of everything now. If you see from my point of view, you can’t see anything at all. The road ahead seems so blurry now…


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Chennai Rains…

I don’t know when I fell in love with her…



Since my childhood, I don’t know why but I never liked Chennai very much. And that was the only reason I never wanted to come to Chennai to pursue my graduation. But things never work the way we always want. And I ended up here. The first impression like many others was the same – “hot and humid.” Initially I even faced a bit of language problem. But in few months I got used to it. And I never realized when I was dissolved into this city. It’s been three years now and no wonder I want to leave this place as soon as I can. But deep down even I know, when I will say goodbye to this city I will miss my days here. It has given me those moments for which I had craved so much. This city has taught me so many things in past three years. I have grown as a human being and I can say that I have so many moments which I can treasure in my heart forever. But one day I will have to leave this city, leave this place and move to another. That’s the law of nature. To reach where we always aspire to see ourselves, we should always keep on moving ahead without looking in the past. And when that day will come, then who knows I might not even want to leave everything that I have earned here and go away. Summer and Monsoon has been special for Chennai because here we don’t see any other climate. And during the monsoon season, it’s quite amazing to go for a drive around the city. 




In past few weeks, she has made a special place in my heart. Now when only six months are left, I have started liking this city. And adding few spices has been the lovely unpredictable rain that this city has. Never before in the past had the rain seemed so lovely to me. Never before in the past had the sea breeze at night seemed so cool. The climate is quite unpredictable here. It will be a hot sunny day and in a blink of your eye it will start raining heavily. And I have been its victim on many such occasions leaving me completely drenched and content. Why it’s like this way? When the time is near of my departure, why this city is suddenly attracting me towards it? Was this the same way before or it took me so much of time to understand it. Or things have changed with time? Whatever it is, the lovely rain has made its special place in my heart. And I guess I’m falling in love with her… 


Monday, September 30, 2013

The story of a kitten…

It was a very tiring day for me and Rishab. For no reason we had to roam around the whole day in this hot weather of Chennai, leaving us tiresome more than usual. We crashed at Rishab’s place in evening where Pranav and Subho were already waiting for us. After an hour or two, Vivek came to Rishab’s place with a small surprise. He was holding his bag very cautiously in his hand. We thought he has brought beers for us but instead he took out one cute looking kitten. The kitten was very skinny and was shivering with fear. While coming to Rishab’s place Vivek almost ran over the kitten. Fortunately nothing happened and the kitten was saved. But looking at her condition Vivek felt bad and took her with him on his bike. As soon as he kept the kitten on the floor she started searching for a place to crash. I was feeling uncomfortable, not that I am scared of them. It just makes me a little uncomfortable. She was cute but very weak. It seemed as if she didn’t get anything to eat from a long time. We bought milk and bun for her; tried feeding her but it was in vain. The kitten was sleepy and not in a mood to eat at all. I asked Vivek to leave her for a while; perhaps she needs some time to adjust in this new environment. After a while she got up and started strolling around the room looking for something to eat. So we gave her a bowl of milk and to our surprise the milk was left untouched by the kitten. Then we tried feeding her the bun. She ate the bun but didn’t go near the milk. I was surprised to see a kitten that didn’t even touch the milk for the first time in my life. The only reason we kept on feeding the kitten was because we were scared looking at her condition, what if she dies was the only question that kept circulating in our head. And no one wanted that to happen. So forcibly we made her eat something and then she crashed in one corner.

That was a noble gesture by Vivek who actually saved the life of a kitten; we however played a very small part in taking care of the kitten. Probably it is not a big deal but even if it is a small thing it meant a lot to us. We felt really good that we all played a role in saving a life. And then when she woke up, she was quite active. Vivek had to go early so he couldn’t witness that moment. The kitten was in a playful mood and kept on playing around till the wee hours of morning. And I, on the other hand was watching her play. I didn’t sleep because I was afraid what if she goes out of the window or some other cat enters the room in our absence and something unusual happens with the kitten. That feeling kept me awake till 6 in the morning when finally the kitten slept off; I went inside the room and crashed on the bed. She made me sit and watch her play whole night. But I tell you, it was one of the finest moments of life. I could see the joy in her eyes, the joy of getting a new life. I found myself at peace after that. Sometimes we happen to do something which stays with us forever. And whenever we remember that moment, it gives us the moment of peace and joy. Sometimes we end up doing something for which we feel proud of ourselves. And I was proud to have friends like Vivek, Rishab, Pranav and Subho who took care of the kitten after that night. Now whenever I go to their place, I find the kitten in a great mood and good health. She got adjusted in her new environment quite easily and now she is a part of their family.


Always be a helping hand, you never know when you end up saving someone’s life.


Saturday, September 28, 2013

It’s our Perspective, which matters the most…

“If you think, your game is over – It is.
If you think, you can win – You will.
If you think, you can’t do something - You can’t.
If you think, you can reach heights – You can.”

Life is all about how we make it. Our perspective matters the most. In all those tough times, our perspective holds the key to success. And when we succeed in achieving something what we always wanted to achieve then we grow. The number of obstacles you overcome is always proportional to a person’s growth. Why we grow the most in those tough times? The answer is quite simple. When everything seems fine, we don’t even bother to think about all such things. But when we are in trouble, we start evaluating our life, analyzing our hard work and wander in search of the key which will lead us towards the path of success. The more the struggle we encounter during the start of our journey the more comfortable our life will be. Everyone has to struggle in their life. Some do at an early age for some it comes quite late. If that phase comes in your life at an early age then remember that the rest of your life is spent in a more matured and proper way. You will know exactly how to deal with tough situations, how you will survive in those calamities. That’s because at an early age you have learnt a lot about life, and then we start looking at our life from then on with a new perspective, a new angle. The perspective to lead a life, which we get after fighting those tough situations and surviving in those critical conditions. But if we struggle late in our life then our life gets disturbed. Life moves with a flow and if the flow is disrupted by anything very unusual then the whole life gets disturbed. Now the question will arise, is it in our hand? Can we control the outcome? No, not at all. Then is it our luck factor which count at times? Not exactly.

It depends actually upon many parameters. One among them is the way we are brought up. If someone has been brought up in tough situations, immediately they understand the aim of their life. If you have nothing with you, then you have a thirst to get what all you never had. But if someone was born with a silver spoon in his/her mouth, for most of them it takes some time to realize this fact of life. It’s not the mistake of a person till certain age if he/she doesn’t quite understand the need to struggle in life. It depends on their upbringing. But after certain age what happens is they actually don’t want to believe in the fact that sooner or later they have to struggle if they want to make a life on their own.

Life has many shades; each of them teaches us a lesson. It depends on how we perceive things in life. It also gives us signs at times, helps us when we are in trouble, it always supports us. But we always ignore the signs, never see the help that is always coming our way in many different forms and never believe in the support that we get. Why do we fall? Sometimes life leaves our hand to make us fall on the ground only to make us realize the fact that you can’t fly for long if you don’t know how to walk. In order to make us realize few things life leaves our hand mid-way and baaaaaam! We fall, we come crashing to ground and meet our new friend - Trouble. This new friends of ours plays with our mind, test our will power; check our limits and most importantly the thirst to do something in life. And when our new friend is satisfied and content with us then he drops us at our place yet again called Life.


Trust your instinct, have faith in yourself and then you will see how your life will blossom in front of your eyes. Dark clouds will always hover around and every time it does, we have to go out there in search of the shinning sun which will take us out from the tough times and guide us to a new direction, a new path. But remember it will only guide us; it’s us who will have to walk all long. Life is what you make it, and in that process it’s our perspective which steals the show…


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Black Friday…

Continuation from “72 hours of my life which I will never forget…

I went to college on Friday after spending 72 hours in pain and fear. The only reason behind my going to college was the need for a change in my environment. At home I was alone and surrounded by all the negativities. I had no one to talk to, no one to crack poor jokes unlike in college I was always surrounded by so many people. I took all my medicines with me incase if I felt sick in college I will have it then and there. When I reached my college, first thing I did was have breakfast. I went to the canteen accompanied by two of my friends and ordered a plain dosa with water melon juice. I was way too weak and it showed from the look on my face. It’s been a long time since I went to college so everyone who passed by kept on asking me what has happened to me and I was tired of explaining it to everyone. It felt good though to know so many people were concerned doesn’t matter if that was just for the sake of formality. At this moment I needed such kind of sympathy and motivation from anyone and anywhere it came from. I ate half of the dosa and drank the glass of juice. I couldn’t eat more even though my friends kept on pushing me but I couldn’t swallow even a bit of dosa after that. I left it there and went back to my class with them. While sitting in class around so many people, it felt better. The first half passed by in a blink and after lunch hour we had lab. The first hour in lab was fine but gradually I started feeling uncomfortable. I started feeling cold and my body temperature was rising yet again. I immediately took my medicine, pulled down the sleeves of my shirt and waited for the bell to ring. But in such cases time passes way too slowly. And that was the case. This was the slowest 90 minutes of my life so far. Somehow I managed to pass my time till 4:00pm and as soon as the bell rang I was the first one to get out from the lab. I went straight to the bus stop and took the bus for my home. Fortunately I found a seat in the bus even at this hour. I was hungry and weakness was taking a toll on me with a bit of shivering and fever. After spending whole day at college I had exerted a lot and that made me more tired.

I shouldn’t have gone to college in this condition but I had no other option left. I had to trust my will power or else I will keep on drowning in this ocean of negative thoughts and bad health. I needed some energy to be pumped inside me but on the contrary I was drained out. As soon as I reached home I started searching for something to eat. I didn’t find anything apart from Maggi. So I ended up cooking a pack of Maggi. But again I couldn’t eat. I ate half of the whole thing, took my medicines and went back to sleep. After a bit of struggle I was on the verge of drifting into sleep when my phone rang and it was my cousin who has recently shifted from Bangalore to Chennai. I picked up his call and then I explained him my condition. He asked me if I needed something. I told him if it was possible for him then get some food for me as I was not in any condition to cook anything and going outside was not a good idea. He said he will drop by my place by 9:00pm and disconnected the call. I kept the phone beside my pillow and tried to sleep again. It was 7:00pm that time. After a while I started feeling drowsy but I got up. I decided to put some music so that it will keep me awake till the time my cousin comes by. I got up, put some music on my PC and came back to where I was sleeping. But when I came back to sleep, a sudden shiver shook my whole body. This time it was the worst one so far. I started feeling cold. I switched off the fan immediately and covered myself with 3 bed sheets. But that wasn’t enough. I cursed myself for waking up after almost drifting into sleep. And then after a while I started feeling nauseated. I got up quickly from my bed, went straight to the bathroom and puked my lungs out. I had nothing much in my stomach and whatever came out was only water like last time. But it made me way too weak this time. Last time when I puked I felt better, but this time I almost ran out of my breath while puking. However my head worked at the correct moment and I splashed water on face which gave me a bit of relief. I felt hungry again and nothing was there at my home to eat anything. I was too weak, my head was heavy. I was scared I might black out this time. No one was there at home and if something unusual happens then no one will ever get to know about it. So I opened up all the windows and the door of my flat incase if I faint then someone will spot me. I took a chair and sat near the door. After a while when I couldn’t resist my hunger I asked my landlord to get me a pack of biscuit and immediately he got one for me. I ate four biscuits and had a glass of glucose. I called up my cousin and asked him to get here as soon as he can and asked him to get me some fruits also. I was not sure till what time I will be in my consciousness. I went back to my room and lay down on my bed.

Lying on my bed I was staring at ceiling fan blankly. My mind had so many thoughts to process but it wasn’t able to do it. In past five days I hardly ate anything; my body was not getting the required nutrition and on the top of that puking was not helping either. I was scared for the first time in my life about my health. Whole week I have spent in fear. I was scared what if I lose my consciousness and nobody comes to help me out.  For the first time in my life I saw myself in such critical condition. My body has lost its immunity due to many reasons. One among them was my irregular eating habit. I never had breakfast in I don’t know how many years. And sometimes I use to skip lunch also. It has made my body hollow from inside even though from outside I looked like a tough guy but from within I was breaking. I felt like dying for the first time in my life. I asked god only one question, Why me??? My condition has not improved even a bit in past five days. I was in too much of pain and I wanted to get rid of this pain. I wanted to die at this moment so that my soul will be freed from the pain I was going through and the fear that kept me awake till late hours of morning. A life spent living in fear and pain is not worth living at all. Here I was lying like a lifeless soul on this bed and such insane yet philosophical thoughts invaded my mind. What happens after death? What will happen to this body after my death? Where my soul would go? Will I be able to see the world same way I see now? Or will I turn into ash with my cremation? Several questions started circulating in my head. No wonder why the subject of such questions was so weird. Who thinks of dying every day? Who thinks about life after death concept in their normal life? But here I was, fighting hard with an unknown disease to get my normal life back. The amount of pain that I have gone through in past five days has cleared out my head. They always say, “You need a shock in your life to get your life back on track.” Perhaps that shock was this for me and it cleared out many things in my head. Every day I use to decide what will I do once I am fit again. In my mind I always use to plan how will I keep myself fit again. And this time I was serious about it. I never wondered I would ever see myself in this condition at such an early age of my life. 

People might say, “What were you crying for? You were suffering from only a viral fever and nothing else.” But no one could ever understand how it has turned my life upside down. How it has brought me crashing down back to ground after flying for so long. Everything has its consequences. I never respected my body limits earlier, I always treated it like a machine and in that rush I forgot that everything has its breaking point. Even machines have a breaking point beyond which they can’t take up the load. And that’s was the reason I was in this condition. I saw this coming long back but ignored it completely. I never listened to my mom and dad when they kept on explaining me the benefit of eating at a proper time. And when you do that you always end up suffering with something. I made it a point to visit doctor next morning anyhow. In morning when I was getting ready for my college I thought I will be fine by evening. But it proved out to be a black Friday for me.

My cousin soon arrived with fruits and food for me. Looking at my condition he gave me few contact number of doctors nearby my place. I was just waiting for the morning to arrive. I was just waiting for this night to pass.


“This night will be the longest night of my life…” I reflected.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

72 hours of my life, which I will never forget...


Never before in my life, had I felt so miserable and helpless. These 72 hours of my life were the most scary, torturous and violent hours of my life. It started from 26th august 2013 when I was down with fever. I thought it’s just the normal seasonal fever which will get better with time. I took medicines and decided to take rest the whole day. But instead of getting better my condition was degrading. I had severe headache with body ache and high fever. Even after gulping down paracetamol tablets nothing happened. And as evening progressed I started shivering with cold. I was shocked to see myself shivering with cold in the hot and humid climate of Chennai. And with all this loss of appetite was the only thing left out. Somehow I managed to eat something but that something was very little, almost negligible. I had a slice of bread and a glass of glucose. I couldn’t eat anything more. My stomach was not ready to accept anything more than that. I took my medicine and tried to sleep but in vain. Sleep was nowhere in sight. My head was aching too much and I started sweating like a pig in a short while. Few minutes ago I was shivering with cold and now I was sweating. I was way too clueless about what was happening to me. Till 4:00am I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake and after a while somehow I managed to get some sleep. I woke up at around 7:30am my body was boiling with high temperature and I was sweating again. My t-shirt was drenched in my sweat. I brushed my teeth, had four biscuits with a glass of glucose. I took my medicines and went straight to my bed. I was feeling very weak due to not eating anything substantial in past 24 hours. I started feeling cold again. I tried sleeping but the body ache and shivering didn’t help much. And so I was lying on my bed from morning till evening in search of sleep which I didn’t get. But I was not in the condition to do anything else also. My weakness was increasing as time was passing by. I thought of visiting a doctor but then I thought I should wait for a day or two. In evening I got up from my bed and decided to go for a walk. But the moment I got up from my bed my head felt heavy and I almost fell down on my bed again. And after that I couldn’t muster up any courage to go out. I was lying on my bed like one lifeless soul. I tried eating something for my dinner but in vain. I couldn’t swallow anything. Four biscuits or two slices of bread was all that I use to have for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. And staying alone wasn’t helping either when it came to food. I was not in a condition to cook anything for myself and my brother did what he could. I took my medicines and again went back to sleep. I couldn’t sleep again till 4:00am in the morning, and after a while I slept for three hours. And at around 7:00am I woke up again. I was feeling hungry. I got up went straight into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of glucose. As I gulped down the glass of glucose I puked out everything. And whatever came out was only water. I puked my lungs out early in the morning and after that I felt better. I felt relieved from the pain I was going through all this while. I washed my face and I was feeling sleepy. I wanted to sleep. And I had a thought in my mind that when I will wake up I will be absolutely fine. With that thought I went back to sleep and immediately I fell asleep. But when I woke up after few hours my body was again boiling with temperature, my whole body was aching and I had severe headache. My head felt heavy and dizzy. I was hungry but I had 0% energy level to get up. I asked my brother to get me something. And he made an omelet for me. I had that with two slices of bread, took my medicines and after a lot of struggle I got some sleep. And when I woke up I started feeling cold yet again. Everyone suspected that I was suffering from malaria. My symptoms were same as that of malaria. And it’s been two days and my condition was the same. So I decided to get my blood test done. I went to a diagnostic center to get my blood test done. And I was shocked to see that I wasn’t even able to climb up few stairs. I was so weak that whenever I walked I was scared that I might fall down. Somehow I climbed up the stairs and the doctor did my blood test. He asked us to come after one hour to collect the reports. My brother insisted me on waiting there and having dinner outside. But my body exerted so much that I needed a bed to lie down. So I asked my brother to get the reports and something to eat in meanwhile I will go home. 

I took an auto and went back to my home while my brother decided to wait there. As soon as I reached home, I had a glass of glucose and I went straight to my bed. After a while my brother came with food. He brought chapatti and dal for me. He gave me two chapattis with dal. I was not at all in a mood to eat but I ate because I wanted to recover from whatever was this. My taste bud has died after gulping so many medicines. And the problem with people who knows how to cook food is that they can’t tolerate food with bad taste. For one they know that they can cook better so they don’t want to eat anything beyond that level. But I was not in a condition to do anything so I ate in silence. After a while tears started trickling down my cheek. The thought of eating such food always gives me Goosebumps. And when I was actually eating it and knowing the fact that I can’t help it either gave me a feeling of helplessness. I was feeling so helpless at that point of time that I needed someone to motivate me that I will get out of this phase very soon. I needed someone by my side at that moment, who can take care of my health. I needed someone to hold me while I walk. I needed someone to cook food for me. And in the light of that moment when I didn’t find anyone I was broke. I was in pain and it started pouring down my cheek. Somehow I finished those two chapattis only because I waned to recover from this phase. I took my medicine and was preparing to sleep when my brother came with the reports. The report said I was not infected with malaria virus and I felt light after hearing that. But I was advised to take one medicine which they give to the patients when there is a chance of getting infected from the malaria virus. And that tiny medicine turned my world upside down in the next 12 hours.

I took the tablet at midnight and after a while I drifted into deep sleep. I woke up again at around 12:30am, I started hallucinating. I was not dreaming I was hallucinating. Due to the high dosage of medicine and the negligible intake of food I started hallucinating things which I never experienced before in my life.  

I was in the Matrix movie with levels of devils may cry game crushed into it along with few scenes of star trek movie. It was violent and scary. I was drifting between the hallucinating world and the original world. In the original world I had a severe headache while in the virtual world or the hallucination world my mind was attacked by a virus and I was fighting to save myself. To save my mind I had to save Morpheus from the Matrix movie. It may sound stupid and funny but believe me it wasn’t. I have never had such scary and violent hallucinating experience ever in my life. I could feel it; I was hearing a voice whenever I came back to the original world. Everytime I came back I heard a voice which said if you want to live then you have to fight in the virtual world. I couldn’t believe what was happening with me. At first my subconscious mind thought it’s a dream. But whatever was happening was happening in my consciousness and that freaked me out. I was shit scared. It was horrifying, terrifying and the most violent night of my life. The hallucination ended around 3:48am in the morning and after that I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night…

72 hours were not over yet. It was morning of the third day and my condition was worsening with every day passing by. After the horrible night what happened the next day was a completely different story. The next day I started hallucinating again. Whole day I didn’t do anything. I was lying on my bed as usual. And at night I had my dinner and I went to sleep by 10:30pm. But I couldn’t sleep as usual. And I started talking with two people whom I have never ever seen in my life before but I thought they were lying on my bed by my side. I was into the conversation when I realized after half an hour that there was no one apart from me in the room and I was speaking on behalf of those two imaginary persons. I was hallucinating again. For a while I again thought that maybe I was dreaming but I was wide awake and I was talking to whom I don’t know. I was speaking on behalf of those two persons and myself thinking that they were lying beside me. I was scared again. What was happening to me was the only question which was circulating in my head. After a bit of struggle I finally managed to sleep. But I woke up again at 4:00am in the morning only to find myself hallucinating again. I got up, I felt suffocated. I went upstairs to the terrace to get some fresh air. And I don’t know how and why, I ended up crying my heart out on the terrace early in the morning. Never before in my life had I felt anything of this sort. In past three days what all I have suffered was the first time happening to me with that intensity. I never experienced hallucination though I was always curious to unveil more about it. But when it dawned upon me I was scared and I couldn’t handle it. To all the curious people out there I must tell you it does sound nice but when we get the reality check its quite harsh in actual. I started doubting that I might have lost my mental balance because of the hallucination. I was talking with myself, pretending to be in conversation with two imaginary people who doesn’t even exist and on the top of that I was speaking on their behalf. For the next one hour I kept on crying on the terrace. I couldn’t stop thinking what wrong deed have I done that I was suffering like this. It’s all the consequence of our karma that’s what they say. And I was in a dilemma that what wrong have I done that I was getting punished by the lord. I asked for forgiveness for all my sins, washed my face and went back to sleep. I decided that I will go to college the next day or else I will end up losing my mental balance if I stayed another day at home.



72 hours were over and it was the most torturous and scary time for me. I don’t know who will believe in it and who will not. I am not sure who will believe in the hallucination part, I am not sure how many people will take this seriously. Maybe they will think this as a stupid narration of few funny events. But only I know how I spent these 72 hours of my life. And one thing is there I will never forget these 72 hours of my life ever.


To be continued…

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

यही है परिवार की परिभाषा हरा भरा ये घर संसार ।।

I am very glad to share a poem written by my grandmother...


मैं आरा में रहती थी                                                                                                       
माता पिता चाचा चाची 
सब मिलकर रहती
कौन अपना कौन पराया 
नहीं समझती थी 
जब आरा में पढ़ती थी
जब घर पर आती थी 
छोटे छोटे भाई बहनों के 
कभी खिलौने कभी कपड़े लाती थी
खुशी खुशी उनें गले लगाती थी ।।


जब माँ पिताजी ने ब्याह रचाया 
ससुराल में भरा पूरा परिवार 
हरा भरा मेरा घर संसार
परिवार में सास ससुर दादी सास थी 
उनकी सेवा कर थक जाती थी 
कभी रूठना कभी  मनाना 
यही है परिवार की परिभाषा
हरा भरा ये घर संसार ।।


छोटी ननदें और छोटे देवर 
कभी रूठते कभी खुश होते
उन्हें पकड़ पकड़ कर लाती 
हॅंस  हॅंस कर दो बातें करती
पति पत्नी  से सजता है  परिवार 
छोटे छोटे बच्चों से सजता है घर  संसार


जब  घर में आते मेहमान 
सास ननद संग मिलकर स्वागत  करती 
कोई कमी नहीं छोड़ती 
कोई समझ नहीं पाता 
कैसा है यह परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये घर संसार
जब हम माँ  पिता बनें 
खुशी से झूम उठे 
घर में खुशियाँ छाई 
आगे बढ़ा मेरा परिवार 
हरा भरा मेरा घर संसार ।।



भगना- भगनी और अपने बच्चों  में 
कभी फर्क  नहीं समझती
सभी को अपने जैसा अपनाया
खूब खिलाया खूब पहनाया ।।


एक डाल के दो पहलू 
विभा और शैलजा 
विभा ने डाकटरी जमाई 
शादी रचाने के लिए कह कह कर थक जाती 
किसी की नहीं सुनती अपनी ही मनमानी करती 
माँ की व्यथा  नहीं समझती 
शैलजा कभी लटकती कभी मटकती 
कभी आसमान में प्लेन 
दिखा- दिखा कर खुश हो जाती 
कभी इला कभी इया कभी जया 
कभी  शैलजा पूकारती है 
ऐसी है मेरी गुड़िया रानी ।।


सभी छोटे बड़े लाड प्‍यार से 
शैलू-शैलू कह कर पूकारते हैं
जब शैलू  पड़ती बिमार
तन मन से उसकी सेवा में
सभी जूट जाते छोटे -बड़े तन मन से लग जाते
कोई नहीं समझ नहीं पाता 
कैसा है यह परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।


कुशल गृहणी के हाथ में  
घर की बागडोर होती है 
एक डोर में रखती परिवार को बाँध कर 
अपना आँसू पोंछकर 
दूसरों के खुशी में  खुशी मनाती है 
यही है मेरे परिवार की परिभाषा
ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।


जब हमने अपने बच्चों का ब्याह रचाया
बेटा बेटी बहू दामाद से
भर गया मेरा संसार 
नाती पोतों से भर गया मेरा घर द्वार
नानी नाना दादा दादी के गूँज से 
सज गया मेरा संसार 
नाती पोते मेरी बगिया के फूल हैं  
मेरा घर द्वार
ये मेरे बच्चे  दिल के सच्‍चे हैं 
यही है मेरे परिवार की परिभाषा
ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।


परिवार के बड़े बुढ़ों का साया हो 
उसे कभी दुःख छू नहीं पाता
खुशी खुशी उनका जीवन कट जाता है 
शादी हो या पर्व -त्यौहार
खुशी खुशी काम में हाथ बटातें हैं 
उनके गले लग जाते हैं
जब परिवार में दुःख आता है 
एक दूसरे के कंधे पर अपना सिर रख कर 
अपना दुःख भूलाते  हैं 
हर चीज में गुण -अवगुण होता है 
यही है परिवार की परिभाषा 
ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा  ।।


जब बच्चे परदेश जाते हैं 
उनके सास - ससुर 
माता - पिता खुशी मनाते हैं 
अपनी व्यथा को दिल में छुपाकर 
बच्चों के खुशी में अपनी खुशी मनाते हैं 
आजकल की दुनिया में
बच्चे बुढ़ें छोटे छोटे टुकडों में बँटें हुए हैं
यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  
ऐसा हैमेरा परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा ।।




पति पत्नी  गाड़ी के दो पहिए हैं 
जैसे गाड़ी एक पहिए पर नहीं चलती
जीवन की गाड़ी भी बिन दोनों के
सहयोग से नहीं चलती 
कभी  लड़ते कभी झगड़ते हैं 
कभी मीठी मीठी बातें करते 
फिर खुशी से गले लग जाते हैं
यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  
ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला 
हरा भरा ये संसार हमारा ।।


बीबी जब पड़े बिमार 
आँखों में दो दो आँसू रोते हैं
कैसे चलेगा मेरा घर -संसार 
किसी से कुछ नहीं कहते हैं
मन को अपने समझाते हैं
अपने बिछाए जाल में खुद़ फँस जाते हैं
अपनी हार में अपनी जीत समझते हैं 
यही है परिवार की परिभाषा  
भरा पूरा मेरा परिवार
यही हमारा घर संसार
ऐसा है मेरा परिवार निराला  ।।

                          - Mrs. Radhika Verma